


My Cruel Life

by Kumikoko



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Armin Centric, POV Armin Arlert
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-09
Updated: 2016-05-09
Packaged: 2018-06-07 11:21:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6801706
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kumikoko/pseuds/Kumikoko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spoilers for the chapter 80-81 manga!!!</p>
<p>Armin always knew he would die one day, from starvation, a particularly sharp blow to his head from a bully's boot, or a bad fall, and if none of the above happened, surely he would be ate by a titan. Never did Armin think he would willingly rush towards his death, but that is exactly what he found himself doing as he reflected on the terrible life he led. </p>
<p>What did he gain from life? Nothing. There was no consolation prize of being able to see the ocean for all of the pain he suffered for so many years. No, this was it, here and now, with nothing to his name.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Cruel Life

**Author's Note:**

> Chapter 80-81 spoilers! 
> 
> God. I can not believe that Armin is going to get himself killed. I can not even begin to tell you people how upset I am that he will never see the ocean. He honestly had a horrible life. Couldn't he have just lived long enough to see the ocean? Was that too much to ask after all the hell he was put through? No, he's just another nameless pawn all so Eren can succeed. It's all about Eren, isn't it? It always was...well, unless a miracle happens, the manga is insinuating that Armin plans to self-sacrifice himself someway, somehow. Miracles do not exist in this manga though so I'm already mourning Armin's death. 
> 
> I just wrote this to remind people how screwed up it is that Armin will die. That we all should mourn him. Do not get me wrong, though. I know this would happen. Not enough fans like Armin. So of course Armin will die. He is not a favorite character even though he should be. He's super intelligent, and that brain of his has saved everyone's life multiple times. He never gets any acknowledgement. -sighs- Well, at least he can't be paired up with Annie! YES! -bright side-

My Cruel Life

Meaningless. All of it, right from the start.

Armin Arlert was born into poverty, to parents who kept him alive. These parents died when he was about eight years old, leaving a permanent scar on his soul.

Since losing his father, he lost his sense of security and voice. The absence of his mother’s affectionate love made him perpetually cold and lonely. There was a brief time that Armin suffered depression, where he would not come out of his house and kept himself wrapped up in a blanket his mother had sewn for him shortly before her death.

A young boy Armin’s age named Eren Jaeger coaxed him out of his sorrowful depression. If not for Eren, Armin knew he might have led a completely different life, one where the hole in his heart would never be filled. Eren’s presence did not fix everything, though. Eren could not replace the parents he lost, nor did his sense of security come back to him. Armin’s grandfather could not restore his loss of self worth either, no matter how hard he tried.

The village bullies made sure Armin would never think of himself as important. They called him a heretic, and beat him into the ground. Eren and Mikasa, another childhood friend always came to Armin’s rescue, but their help only wounded his pride. Armin wanted to be like Eren and Mikasa. He wanted to be strong, he just was not. The inferiority complex he created made his depression return, but not to the point that he was clinging to an old blanket for dear life like before.

This depression was different and much more quiet and subtle.

One fateful day, Armin’s childhood home and town was destroyed by titans. The sacred walls did not protect his home, nor what was left of his childhood innocence.

Everything good had been destroyed that day.

The only bright side was that Armin’s grandfather survived, and took him, and his two friends, Eren and Mikasa in. They spent about a year in a small shack, where there was no privacy, and even less food. Each of them worked in the fields, spending most of their days dirty and exhausted. Armin had always been hungry, but these days he really felt pain in his stomach when he tried to sleep.

This was not a life for children, but it was the only life the grandfather could give them. There just was not any viable, good paying jobs now that the people of Maria were crowded in with the people of Trost. The food situation was only becoming worse. 

There were times that Armin tried to console himself by telling himself that his life could not be any worse than right now. Every time he did that, life took a nose dive to an even deeper Hell.

In just a years time of losing everything he knew in Maria, his grandfather, like many people of Maria were summoned to a suicide mission for other people to prosper. Armin was officially orphaned that day, and he knew it. Sometimes, he was too smart for his own good. That intelligence didn’t get him far, though. He and his friends still had to toil and plow for each penny, and sometimes their money was stolen by other starving, desperate people.

As soon as they were old enough to join the military, they did. The military meant they would have at least two meals a day—no matter how not luxurious the food actually was, the trio did not complain once. They would not have to dig fields anymore, nor water the Earth. A certain amount of relief fell over them, because they would finally be able to lay in beds again with a well put together bedroom. The beds may be hard, but they were more comfortable then the ground the children had been previously sleeping on so they happily plopped down onto the beds each night.

Training in boot camp was physically, and mentally exhausting for all of them. Armin had the worst time, because he was not physically fit at all, due to malnutrition. Armin, like others pushed through their weaknesses in order to pass the final exams.

Would their training be enough? Armin hoped so.

There were many trials and near death experiences the more time Armin spent in the military. Armin even realized he and the other soldiers were being betrayed by people they thought were their friends. That was a particularly hard blow to recover from. How could he train against someone for five years only to have that person later reveal their true titan self? Armin had felt sick for days over Reiner, Bertholt, and Annie’s betrayal. Eren had fared no better because he had had a crush on Annie. Mikasa was the only one among them that accepted the world for what it was. She had no qualms about turning on Annie the way Annie turned against them.

Unfortunately, the long list of Armin’s woes did not end there. To save a friends life, Armin murdered a human. He lost all respect for himself, despite the pep talk Captain Levi gave him. Jean was alive, but at what cost? The whole reason the soldiers had turned against the King and became enemies of the cities was to save humanity—not kill individual people. Armin struggled for awhile with his own inner demons that kept mounting.

This war would kill him.

Commander Erwin lead the soldiers to their impending death, or in other words, to the trio’s hometown. They had to figure out what was in Eren’s basement. That was their goal. They all knew, however, with terror that the Colossus Titan and the Armored Titan would be waiting for them. None of them were ready to face such powerful, intimidating titans.

Even Eren was shaking. Armin knew they were all fucked—there was no logical way they could over power the two titans. Only Eren could fight them, yet Eren only had so much strength and stamina. Armin knew it was unfair to rely on Eren to defeat both of the titans.

That same acknowledgement proved true when Eren was flown across the town by the Colossus titan. Eren was knocked unconscious. Without Eren, humanity was not going to win this war. Jean and Mikasa kept looking to Armin for a plan. Armin kept looking away with shame, for he was too scared to think through the mind-numbing fear he was experiencing.

_There is no way we can survive this_. Armin acknowledged, and wished that Commander Erwin would save the day with a plan. The reality was that they were all doomed. _I won’t survive this._ Armin knew deep in his gut that he definitely would not be living to see another day, once he noticed that the Colossus titan had become thin.

A plan formed in his head, one that if it went well, he would die. Armin had tried to formulate numerous plans before this one, but he had always came up short. Now, he had a plan and it was the only chance they had. He needed to act fast, and wake Eren up.

It was too bad that Armin’s last few moments in life would be just as cruel as the rest of his life had been. There was so much Armin never got to do—he never shared a kiss with a woman, and he never had sex either. Armin had not married anyone, nor had he had children to carry on his name, and his legacy. He would be forgotten about, lost to history. Armin would be just another nameless soldier, lost in the quest for humanity’s freedom.

_I will never see the ocean_. Armin shuddered with regret, and for a moment he selfishly hoped for a miracle. Miracles, however, did not exist. Happiness itself was just an illusion too.

There was only one time in Armin’s life that he had felt pure exhilaration, and that was when he read through his grandfather’s book and learned of a vast, colorful world just outside of the walls. There were oceans of salt, and liquid fire…both of which Armin would never see. Armin’s sole dream, and one reason for being here today was shattered.

Yet, he could not cry. He had spent too many nights doing that in his bed in the barracks. Today he acknowledged that his life had been cruel from beginning to end. Armin knew there was no hope left for him, or his dreams. He really was just as worthless as he feared himself to be. Armin was just a pawn to bring humanity to freedom, just as others with hopes and dreams had been.

At least he was always ready to sacrifice himself. No one needed him after all. Eren might cry for him, but he would move on with his life with Mikasa and together, with a child in tow, they would see the ocean together. They might even name their child Armin, but that was just selfish hope on Armin’s part.

If there was one thing Armin was good for, and brilliant at, it was doing what needed to be done. There was no hesitation on his part as he rushed to his fallen friend, flying over rooftops, feeling the wind rustle his hair.

God, life was cruel.

Armin landed on top of Eren and thrust his blade into his neck. Armin lowered himself onto Eren and spoke against Eren’s chest.

“Wake up, Eren. Let’s go see the ocean together!” Armin said, to entice Eren to wake up. Armin had no intention of telling Eren about the part of the plan where he would die. Armin knew Eren would not cooperate with the plan if even for a moment he thought Armin was going to sacrifice himself.

Humanity’s freedom depended on how good of an actor Armin could be right now. He needed Eren to wake up, and think that the world would be rainbows and candy if he could just knock the titans down for good. Eren did not need to know that Armin would die. Armin didn’t need anyone knowing that either, because they would try to stop him.

Why did doing the right thing always end in death? Armin wanted to be bitter, he wanted to cry, yet he vigorously encouraged Eren to wake up. There was no room to be selfish now.

Life had made it clear that Armin was not and never would be special. He was inferior to everyone else, and that was a hard notion for him to swallow. Why did everyone else get to live when he had to sacrifice himself? It just…was not fair. Armin knew that all along, though. Life hated him. If there was a God, he certainly never favored Armin.

_My life was sad_ …Armin thought briefly, before reminding himself to stay strong and focus on the image of the ocean. If he could focus on the ocean, he could fight until he was murdered.

Armin knew his death would enrage Eren, and cause him to become berserk. The berserk condition would strengthen Eren to unbelievably God-like levels, and allow him to push past pain and the laws of reality in order to save humanity and avenge his fallen friend.

Eren could not win without that push, without that drive to rip the titans apart for their crime against Armin.

As far as history would be concerned, Eren woke up and went berserk. The chance of anyone remembering Armin at all would be slim to none.

Armin was just another nameless soldier.

Nameless soldiers did not matter.


End file.
